Home Alone 4 Review. Yep, I'm as shocked as you are this exists! (General)

Hello and happy holidays to everyone reading this. This blog is going to be the first official real time review I've ever done on here. For those of you that have never read any of my reviews of anything (There might only be about ten people that even remember my work doing that), all of it will be done while I watch whatever I am reviewing. That way you get my thoughts as they happen. Since this is the holiday season, I figured I would review something a little festive for everyone. But what to review? Earlier this week, my good ol' Twitter/Insanity buddy Laura Moore (follow her at @LadyLauraMoore) said that I had to watch Home Alone 4. I was wondering when did this movie come out and why wasn't I notified? A Home Alone 4?!?! If there's a fourth one, I think Macauley Culkin needs to be sent to an orphanage because his parents suck at keeping an eye on him! Anyways, sit back, grab a nice cup of something you enjoy to drink and get ready for the real time review of Home Alone 4!

Yep, I'm just as shocked as you are Kevin

that this movie even exists!

So French Stewart is the first name in the credits... This should be interesting. All the cast you knew and loved have been changed with look-a-likes. You know what that means... No Mackauley Culkin. Apparently fake Macauley Culkin (aka- Kevin Macallister) misses his dad. His dad and his mom split up. Kevins mom is trying to explain to him why they broke up. They were in a rut apparently. I think that means he wasn't good at satisfying her needs. Well, Kevins brother can't go to the movies so he picks on him. But before Kevin gets beaten with wedgies and purple nurples, in comes his savior... His father! Yep, daddy came home but only to talk in private to mother. If this ends up being like one of those Cialis commercials where the dad turns up the kids stereo, I'm out. Well not all is well in Macallister land. Papi Macallister is going to remarry once the divorce is final. Not only that but he wants to take the kids for Christmas! Gee buddy, you sure are the charming one. "Hey baby, once the paperwork is finalized, I'm going to marry the cocktail waitress I was cheating on you with AND I want to steal your kids away from you during Christmas!!!". Shockingly, Mommy Macallister says if it's cool with the kids, she's down like a clown watching Charlie Brown. So Papi tries to talk the kids into it. Kevs sister says no because she wants to chill with her friends and "stay in the loop". If your dad owns a computer, you can still use the internet kid. Kevs brother doesn't want to give up his vacation. Kev's turn. Papi tries to bribe him by saying there's a royal family waiting at his place and he can play with a crown prince. Don't know about you but that's pretty creepy. As long as it's not the prince of pop, he should be good. Then again, the original Kevin Macallister was known for playing with the prince of pop in Neverland. Kev seems tempted then drops this line "I'm going to have to pass, I don't want to leave the family during Christmas. I know you understand". Hahahaha, you just got burned by an eight year old papi! Well mommy Macallister is going to the movies after a cut to her saying "I'm going to the movies" (I guess the dad just vanished or something) and she expects the two boys to get some chores done. Older broski says they'll get done. So we get a fun montage of Kev being forced to do the chores while his brother makes it difficult. That'll teach you for being a kid, Kevin!

The Last Home Alone kid left

alone with a prince

Anyways, his mom comes back and sees Kevin on the stairs sad. Kev hates his siblings and wishes he was an only child. He's now in his room having a therapy session about it to his stuffed bear. Through his therapy with the bear, he realizes he can stay with his papi so he snatches some coins out of the piggy bank and... cut to Papi Macallister leaving a limo with what I'm guessing is his new squeeze. They raised money for an orphanage or something so they start to make out. But wait, someone is watching them! Is it his son, Kevin? Nope it's French Stewart and his lady friend who's eating cheetos or something. Leave it to a movie that features French Stewart to make his first scene watching a silhouette of people making out in a window with binoculars! The dude already looks tweaked, no need to make him a pervert! French isn't down with robbery anymore, as apparently Joe Pesci got him in trouble too many times and they split up. Instead, French is into kidnapping princes! Wait, what?!?! Yeah, robbery is too risky, I'm going to try kidnapping royalty? This guy is a flipping moron... even for French Stewart! Well, his Jersey girlfriend agrees with him and likes the idea.

French Stewart could be watching you as

we speak!

We get a scene of Kev going to his dads in a cab in some sort of mini varsity jacket. He gives the cabbie his piggy bank and tells him to keep the change. Wow, every cabbie I've ever met would shank you if you give them all change! Kev rings the doorbell and wakes up the security guard, who looks like the bad guy in one of those Mummy movies with Brendan Fraser. (Sidenote, I think I have to review Encino Man at some point!) So while papi Macallister is putting the moves on the cocktail waitress, the butler interrupts papis progress. They make their introductions while we meet the maid (Who looks like the mom from That 70's Show) and find out the butlers name is Prescott. Prescott has to give Kevin a key to the house. He's not a happy panda about that decision. The cocktail waitress tells Kevin it's a smart house and he just needs to tell things what to do, like "Door open" and the door will open. "Fireplace off" turns off the fireplace and so forth. Kev goes to his special room and it's an electronic paradise for a youngin.

I assure you that even though Prescott is

potentially evil, he is not affiliated with

Al-Qaida.

Meanwhile, back at the casa del Macallister, Kevins mom is looking for her son. Phone rings and it's papi Macallister calling to say he arrived fine. She's shocked but is glad her kids safe. Cut to 7am in Kevins room at the coctail waitresses house and everything opens up and a voice starts talking to him. He wakes up and there is a James Bond like wall TV communication like device with all the screens having the maid ask him what he wants for breakfast. That's kind of creepy, she could have been staring at him while he was asleep! Bad form That 70's maid! What does Kevin get for breakfast? I think french toast with Nutella, not sure. Kevin gets to open a present and it's a remote airplane. Gee, wonder what he's going to use that for? Well, papi and cocktail waitress are leaving for some reason and if he needs anything, ask Prescott, who still looks pissed off. So Kev decides to talk to Prescott. He asks if he can make a milkshake? Prescott gives a grin that kind of looks like he's happy, kind of looks like he's going to decapitate Kevin. Not really sure. While Prescott is making the milkshake, they have some small talk about the mini freight elevator and Prescott is kind of a dick. Kevin then wanders off into the open area security umm... area and sees all the security monitors. Prescott catches him and asks if he can read the sign that says "No Entry". Ummm, you're the dumbass with the open area security room! Don't blame the kid for the single worse architectural place for a security room. Apparently Prescott is the alpha male of the open area security room. Way to scare the kid jerk! Kev goes and bugs That 70's maid and asks what she's doing. Cleaning, stupid. It's not like any house though, all you have to do is say "Vacuum" and the house will vacuum itself! Gee, I bet she gets paid in wafer cookies. Not even Chocolate wafer cookies. Like half eaten prune wafer cookies.

                                            This is your salary if you're a maid for
                                                           a self cleaning house


So we then cut to Kevin doing his dancing around singing to James Brown montage where he's doing kid stuff. He manages to hit Prescott in the head with a plane, it was kind of funny because Prescott is a dick. That 70's maid is off to the grocery store since the house can't do groceries. Shocking, I know! So while That 70's maid is off to the store, peeper French Stewart and his Jersey girlfriend watch her leave. Jersey girl asks French what's the dealio and French says to go in the house. Jersey girl asks if that's a good idea since the Prince doesn't come until tomorrow. French Stewart then goes on a French Stewart tirade that really makes no sense. All I know is that the Jersey girl thinks not getting caught is the best course of action to a robbery and French thinks it's planning. They kiss and go to break and enter. Kev is just coincedentally playing with a telescope when he sees the baddies he's met before trying to break in. Kevin tries to call Prescott but Prescott is being a dick and not answering. Back to the baddies and Jersey girl notices the alarm is on. So what does French Stewart do? If you guessed Tai-Chi, you're wrong. He spazzed out like French Stewart. Apparently French knows about the house and it's voice command everything. Even the alarm is voice activated! Yes, the cocktail waitress has the single worst home security system ever in this house of tomorrow. Somebody at Brinks is going to get fired over this. So the happy couple are rummaging through the house and French tries to open the door. Kevin closes the door to no laughter. The couple go to the washroom in the bedroom and get assaulted by the shower of DOOM!!! Slipping ensues and they fall into the giant hot tub. I hope the house can self squeegee itself. Kev then decides to lock the door, trying to kill his enemies. Instead, the door breaks and they wacky raft down the steps. Kev is screaming for Prescott but no Prescott. French sees Kevin and promises he'll be back while introducing Jersey girl. Apparently her name is Mira. Well French and Mira take off and Kev tries to activate the house to clean itself up. No dice Kevin.

"Bleeaaaaaaghhhh! There's no way we're

going to get wet in here! No siree!"

Meanwhile, Cocktail waitress comes home and is about to go into beast mode after seeing her house partially flooded. Uh oh, papi's home. Kev is trying to explain himself and Prescott magically shows up. Cocktail waitress asks Prescott about the burglars and he says he knows nothing. This guy is the worst security guy ever! Kev and Prescott do the "you're wrong!" schtick until Papi decides to talk to his boy. Is it clobbering time for little Kev? Nope. Cocktail waitress forgives Kev and he takes the no punishment quite well. Cut to Kev snooping around in the open area security room. He finds out that all the cameras that showed the burglars were cut out. What a twist!

Off to the burglarmobile where French is complaining about Kevin and how he's everywhere he tries to commit a crime. French hints at Prescott being his boy while they swerve around in the burglarmobile. Speaking of the Prescott, he finds Kevin in his "security office". That 70's maid shows up during the threatening of the child and takes Kevin for a walk around the house. Kevin tells That 70's maid about the burglars and how Kevin thinks Prescott works for the burglars. Wow, way to go Sherlock! That 70's maid doesn't believe him but likes his imagination. Apparently her son had an imagination before too! How about that?

"My son used to have an imagination too...

and friends that eventually became more

successful than him!"

Cut to Papi trying to get with the cocktail waitress again and his pick up line is...? How Chrismas is about decorating things yourself! Worst line ever Papi. So since Papi is as smooth as a porcupine, he goes to talk to his son about... wait for it... decorating for Christmas! This guy really has a boner for decorating. So does this movie because the next scene shows a decorating montage with the cocktail waitress wearing a Santa hat. Well the montage gets interrupted by a phone call and the cocktail waitress has to do cocktail waitress things. So while Papi has time with his kid, Kevin goes and asks his dad if he left his mom because he was in a rut. Papi tries to explain the complexities in relationships and Kevin knows about mid life crises and sports cars! Don't kids watch TV and not read psyche books for 40 year old guys? So he explains a sports car is useless if you're alone. This really goes nowhere right now. Back to the moms place where the other two Macallisters talk about their little broski.

Now we're back to the dad's place and it's apparently the best tree ever! Now back to the mom's place... Okay time out here! Movie, I know you're already made but enough with the sudden cut scenes! It's getting hard to keep up with this review. Anyways, Mommy Macallister is watching some old home videos of her family. And cut back to dads place where Papi and Kevin wake up and that tree they decorated. Yeah, it's redecorated different. Kev's a bit upset but he gets another present so he's cool.

"Ummm, why did you put an

evil octopus on the tree not-quite-

mommy?"

 Back to Mommy Macallisters where his mom is about to deliver Kevin some goodies while his siblings wonder why. This movie is getting a bit sloppy. The siblings tag along and they all get greeted by the immortal Prescott. He lets them in and they're all happy to see each other. We get an awkward ex meets new girl handshake and some awkward ex talks to new girl that's trying to bogart her family banter. The bear has returned!!! Cocktail waitress wants to replace the bear but that's ixnayed because there's a story about Dr. Bear that involves him getting chucked out of the car. We see a bit of a spark between Mommy Macallister and Papi and...

Cut to cocktail waitress and Papi leaving. So Kev's alone with That 70's Maid and Evil Prescott. Kev is looking at all the servants and fancy doohickeys and who is helping serve at this party? Mira and French Stewart! Also, French Stewart is wearing a tuque with a waiter suit on. Tres Chic Francais Stewart! Prescott just grabs the kid out of the room but Kev escapes in the kitchen. Here comes some shenanigans! Well, Prescott just gets locked in a pantry. That was anti-climactic. Kevin is looking around for the others but That 70's maid shows up looking for... Prescott. Well, the door is ringing so she has to get it since she is, in fact, the maid.

The key to a healthy family

is apparently a teddy bear

Cut to Papi and the cocktail waitress in a car and miss waitress wants to announce their engagement at the Christmas party because someone isn't showing up or some crap like that. Papi agrees because, well, he just does. Back to the shenanigans, Kevin is hunting the baddies. Mira and French spaz out about how to tie up the Prince with a rope and a bag. But wait, Kev is using his new present, a spy kit, to hear everything. For some reason, Mira goes in the bag and French is roping her out the window... Not sure why but anyways the rope anchor is outside the door. Cue Kevin... "Door Open". Rope goes flying with the anchor flying spike first into some French sphincter (Not a French guys sphincter, French Stewarts sphincter) and he gets slammed into the window. Great plan Frenchie. Well the window breaks and they both fall. Somehow, French and Mira are turned on by that. Then French and Kev banter a bit and French passes out.

Well, Papi and the cocktail waitress come back. There's a bunch of people inside and we cut to Kevin hitting French with a frying pan and French and Mira get sauced. Cut to the engagement announcement then cut to French burning his ass on a stove then Prescott falls into the crowd of people somehow. French Stewart is on fire and runs around and the party is ruined. For some reason, Kevin is in trouble for all of this. My head hurts. Papi thinks Kevin is trying to ambush his new relationship. Kevs punishment... Think about what you did and apologize. What a leniant parent! If that was me as a kid, I'd be getting the belt! What happened to parents these days? I blame Sesame Street.

True Fact- Mustard tastes far better in

your mouth, not your head

Back at Casa Del Macallister, Mommy Macallister is watching the Three Stooges or some crap and she gets a call from Kevin. Apparently it was It's A Wonderful Life. The mom is really upset and Kev, despite his Sherlock Holmes deduction powers and advanced street smarts, can't even pick up the fact his mom is crying her eyes out. She blames the movie. They exchange Mom to kid pleasantries and hang up. She cries some more.

Now Kevin is in bed. Enter: The Cocktail Waitress who pulls the biggest nice to psycho turn of all time threatening Kevin to never do any stunts like that again. Psycho waitress goes and sees Papi who's watching... You guessed it, It's a Wonderful Life! He asks if she wants to watch and she gives a bitchy answer for No. Papi says it's a family tradition but she has another tradition... Hinting at love making! Meanwhile, Kevin goes into ninja mode and prepares all his traps.

Along with the bear, this is another

crucial part to any relationship!

Morning comes and it's Christmas! Papi is leaving his kid on Christmas morning? What a jerk! He explains it and they leave. My watch says what time it is... it's time for SHENANIGANS!!! Cut to the burglarmobile where the sleeping baddies get awoken by a call to invade the house. Kevin is in position by his telescope and spots them. He then decides to take out Prescott first. He goes to... well then, there actually is a door for the security room?!?! No way! It's been open concept the entire time and now there's a door? That's some messed up shkeef right there! Anyways, Kevin tricks Prescott to go to the wine cellar... and locks him in the cellar! That 70's Maid shows up and Kev tells her his plan and that Prescott really is the bad guy.



Wrong Kev! It wasn't Prescott at all boyo! It was That 70's maid pulling the swerve job! Also, she's French Stewarts mom. Now they're both locked in the wine cellar. Prescott gives Kevin his cell phone and he calls his brother about the situation. His brother hangs up on him because... well, he's a dick. So Kev talks to Prescott and the reason why the camera was cut... Prescott was taking a break. What a slacker. Well, Kevin decides to call his mom again and it works... kind of. The cell phone dies. So Mommy Macallister calls the house again and gets mommy French. Mommy French says Kevin isn't home and Mommy Macallister calls her bluff by saying he just called. Oh snap! Well, Mommy French talks Kevs mommy away. Cut to Mommy Macallister calling Papi to talk to her kid. Kid ain't with Papi sunshine. The maid said she was with you! Nope, back at the house. I think it's mama clobbering time! Papi wants to do some clobbering time but gets talked out of it by the Psycho waitress. Whipped much buddy?

Back to the dungeon of drunkeness and Prescott remembers the mini freight elevator! They start to giggle about something, I was too busy typing and too lazy to go back. I think Prescott is going to quit his job after this. Kevin is freighting around while French and Mira are talking. Mira leaves and Kevin says he's in the elevator. French takes a look in the elevator shaft and well... gets his head stuck in the elevator shaft by that dastardly roadrunne...ummm.... Kevin Macallister. Mira tries to rescue him but doesn't know the difference between up and down. Once thats figured out, Kevin uses his pain can trap that's in every movie and knocks them both out. Momma French comes in and sees her kid and kids girl knocked out so it's Momma French clobbering time! She tries to go up the elevator but Kev rigged it to get stuck.

Cut to Papi and Papi uses his Jedi powers to sense his kid is in danger. Papi Ho!!! Prescott climbs up the mini freight shaft and Momma Macallister plus siblings are booking it through the suburbs in the Ford Winstar to save their son/brother! Meanwhile, in the Dungeon of Doom... errr, house of tomorrow, French finds Momma French stuck in the elevator shaft. She says Kevin is in the bedroom. I bet he's playing Little Big Planet. Go Sackboy! French goes in the bedroom and finds feet sticking out from the bed. Nope, it's a trap to make the bed fall on him. Kevin switches the voice activating dealies. Enter Mira to save the day! She asks if French is in there. Kev is using his patented "screw with electronics to fool people" gig. This time it's a recording of French Stewarts lines from the movie that insult Mira. She walks in and slaps French. French is wondering what's going on and Mira flips out and leaves. French goes to talk to his mom and gets a plane in the junk for his troubles, falls on Mira and they go down the stairs. Kev goes down the stairs and uses the revolving Bookshelf/Bar to go to the otherside of the wall with the password "Open Sesame". French tries a bunch of failed phrases while spazzing out then Mira gets it right. Well, Kev just revolves to the house side then makes the double sided shelf/bar rotate around and around. The Hijinx!!! Kevin then decides to torture them with "Faster Sesame". He says stop and French and Mira go flying into a 30 foot high chandelier. Somehow, French gets up... only to get plunked by his fallen girlfriend. Now they look dead. Kevin decides to try a witty phrase but Frenchs mom shows up and looks like she's about to snap his neck! That's insane! Luckily, the always-has-been-reformed Prescott shows up and beans her upside the head with a silver tray. Prescott thinks it's a good idea to call the police. Well no shit sherlock.

The entire family arrives at the same time sans psycho waitress and they see the baddies. Time to split French and Mira! So we get a chase scene that ends with Kevins brother and sister tripping French and Mira where they somehow trip upwards and forwards about twenty feet. Very gravity defying manoevers French. Meanwhile, Psycho waitress is talking to the prince of Disney channel (the prince looks like that kid from the Disney channel. Don't know his name. Kids got blonde hair, you tell me. Actually, I don't care). They arrive to the burgled house and psycho waitress is hella mad. Her maid has been arrested and Prescott just quit. Prescott out suckas! He says life is too short and fist bumps Kevin. Woo Woo Woo, Burglars Know It! Psycho waitress asks Papi to do something. So he does. He dumps her ass and goes back to his family! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!! The Royal family of Disney gets invited to the Macallister residence for Christmas and psycho cries her eyes out as she now has nothing. This is the best Christmas ever apparently!

So that's the movie. Overall, it wasn't bad by any stretch. It was generic Home Alone. Kid feels alone, kid goes somewhere else, kid becomes alone, baddies come after him, kid outsmarts baddies with cunning traps, kid meets scary person who is actually good, kid ends up with his family, the end. I had no idea who most of this cast was (as you probably noticed) so I'm going to break it down and see if I know any of them using the magic of imdb.com

Before I look for the cast, this movie got a 2.1/10 rating on imdb.com. Ouch. Personally don't think it was that bad. Maybe a four. Two is harsh. Anyways, the cast...

French Stewart was Marv? That makes sense. I know who he is (3rd Rock from the Sun)

Erick Avari was Prescott... and the guy in the Mummy! Got that one right!

Barbara Babcock was Mrs. French Stewart... She was in Space Cowboys apparently as well as mostly cameo appearances.

Jason Beghe was Papi Macallister. His feature roles were Thelma and Louise and G.I.Jane. No wonder I never heard of him.

Clare Carey was Mommy Macallister. She was in Smokin' Aces

Joanna Going was Psycho waitress, Her name in the movie was apparently Natalie. Good for her. She was in Wyatt Earp back in 1994.

Missi Pyle was Vera?!?! I thought her name was Mira? Whatever. She was in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Big Fish and Dodgeball.

The main character of this movie, Mike Weinberg aka- Kevin Macallister is NINE PEOPLE DOWN on the filmography! That's hilarious. He was in a bunch of crap nobody has ever heard of ever.

Bonus lookup- The Director of this movie is Rod Daniel. He was the driector of WKRP in Cincinnati and Teen Wolf. Wow, this guy fell off the face of the earth!

So there you have it kids, a nice holiday tale that you can now not waste your time watching... unless I have intrigued you and you now want to watch it!

On that note, I'm out for a couple days. Have a great holiday and stay frosty!

Victor Bast

Welcome To The Countdown To The End Of Days (General)

This morning I wasn't going to write about this certain topic. Nope, I wanted to write something about Tim Tebow and how I feel about Tebowmania. Something else popped in my head when I came to the computer to check out everything at 8:30. I looked at the date in the bottom right of my screen. December 21st, 2011. It then popped in my head. The potential end of days is a year away.

Some information behind the whole December 21st, 2012 doomsday deal. The main thing that people who believe this say it's going to happen because the Mayans back in the 1500's or so made a calendar that ended on December 21st, 2012. This one is pretty easy to shoot down. The calendar making Mayan guys couldn't make an infinite calendar because they sort of got massacred by Spanish settlers. Sure they were pretty good at astrology and accurately predicted quite a few things, including their very own massacre but lets face it. If your race ceases to exist, you can't continue making calendars.

However, there are more prophecies of doom on this date in other religions, beliefs and thought processes. A man named Terrence McKenna came up with a mathematical formula which he called "Timewave Zero". (Funny story I got while researching this- Terrence over here came up this idea while getting high off Magic Mushrooms. That might hurt his credibility a bit, the crazy hippie.) Basically it's based on McKenna's interpretation of the King Wen sequence of the I Ching (ummm..., click on this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_ching to learn more about it. If you don't, long story short it is an old Chinese book dating back about 3000 years that can apparently predict future events) the graph appears to show great periods of novelty corresponding with major shifts in humanity's Biological and Sociocultural evolution. He believed that the events of any given time are recursively related to the events of other times, and chose the atomic bombing of Hiroshima as the basis for calculating his end date. (Yes, I totally stole that from Wikipedia too). So sounds okay right? Captain Mushroom finds a mathematical way to predict the end of time... Except his original date was in November. Once he found out about the Mayans end of calendar date of December 21st, he revised his formula so it coincides with that date instead. I'm not sure about everyone else but after all that work, he revised it so it matched with someone elses "work"? Sounds like a fail to me. Go back to the hallucigens Terry.

            
                                          "Hey Turtle Dude, I just got the greatest idea man!
                                          What if I created a math thingee using that book my
                                          professor is making me read? The Chinese one. Oh
                                          man, I could eat like eleventy wontons right now
                                          Turtle Dude!"

So what else do we have? Well apparently a planet called Nibiru will either collide with Earth or pass by, killing virtually everyone. How is this possible you ask? Well apparently Nibiru is actually part of our solar system and has a different orbit than every other planet. It's more eliptical and a lot longer of a distance to travel of orbit to the Sun. Oh yeah, it's also the size of Jupiter and will either collide with us (as mentioned) killing everything or pass by (also mentioned) and create such chaos like electromagnetic storms that will wipe out almost virtually everything we know. Now hold on a minute. Before you all go running to build an incoming planet shelter, don't you want to hear the origin to this story? I mean the last one had a guy on mushrooms, maybe this one will ease your mind a bit. Take a deep breath and get ready to read this great historical story. So, there was this lady named Nancy Leider who created the website ZetaTalk in 1995 to spread the word of things she's known about for most of her life. You see, When Nancy was a wee child living in Wisconsin, she was visited by gray aliens named Zetas, who put a communication device in her brain! (I'm not making this up. Came up in my research. Yes, I know I'm the guy who yesterday created an entire version of DeSean the Pumped up Kicks Reindeer featuring Dashiki Claus off the top of his head. You're going to have to trust me on this one.) She claimed that the whole Hale-Bopp comet deal back in 1997 was a mass conspiracy to hide the fact that "Planet X" (The pre-name of Nibiru, not the home of the X-Men. That's somewhere in Conneticut. Not Space.) was coming to destroy us all in 2003!!! (Disclaimer- I am typing this on December 21st, 2011 at 3:27 pm eastern time. I am not a time traveller. I did not get sent to the future to warn you about the past. That last one doesn't even make sense. Anyways, as you can probably see, we're still alive and somehow this fact disappeared from the "Watch out for the killer monster planet!" preachers.). When the date in 2003 passed and everyone was asking her "Where's this killer planet, stupid?" Leiders response was it was a white lie and if she did tell people the real date, it would cause complete anarchy. Then people decided for coincedental purposes of everything else that it was going to happen December 21st, 2012. If you just read everything I just said, I just saved you a trip to Home Depot and a lot of shelter fund money.

"AAAAHHHHH!!!, DURRR BEEE AAAAHHH

PLANET GOING TO KILL US ALL!!! AAAAHH

GRRRRR BEEEE AAAAAA DURRRRR!!!"

What else do we have? Well, there's a computer program called the Web Bot that can apparently predict events based on tracking keywords that people enter on the Internet. (Don't ask me how it works based on that, I only understood the words "Computer", "The", and "Emotion" in the paragraph in my research. If you go to University for something involving computers, go research it and break it down in normal people English for me, if you don't mind) The funny thing is this thing actually predicted things that have come true! It predicted 9/11, The Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, the 2003 blackout in the Northeastern part of North America, the 2004 Indian Ocean Earthquake, Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath of it and Dick Cheney shooting people while hunting. Want to know another prediction it made? A major planetary catastrophe happening in 2012 involving either magnetic pole reversal or an almost nuclear holocaust. Not quite the end of humanity but close. Oh raisins! This isn't some mushroom popping guy or a lady who met aliens. This is a computer! It might be time to run to Home Depot to buy supplies for your end of the world shelter. Oh wait, there's a section on this program making mistakes. That's not like computers but let's take a look. A massive Earthquate that levels Vancouver and the Pacific Northwest in 2008? Nope, Vancouver even held the winter Olympics two years later. Barack Obamas administration will be thrown into chaos ten days after he starts as President? Nope, that's a fail. Isreal has bombed Iran? I know that didn't happen, the Iron Sheik hasn't gone to Isreal to humble the Isreali army. I'd say the jury is still out on this thing but at least some things actually happened with this prediction machine. (I wonder if it predicted that everyone would start Tebowing this year?)

"I just wanted to go on Facebook and this message

popped up on my computer!"

Now there's a lot more opinions about this event. Human evolution, planetary re-alignments, solar flares, etc... So far I would say that while there may be some compelling points towards this argument, there are also a lot of things that debunk these theories.

Here's my take on this. If it happens, it happens. There is nothing we can do if the world somehow gets destroyed by a planet or the Sun blows up a bit and we get charred to death. The only thing humans can control is ourselves. So as long as we don't beat the crap out of each other with nuclear weapons, we should be good. Besides, why not go out and live your life now instead of fearing a bunch of theories? Go spend time with friends and family, do your daily tasks. If the end does come, as long as you've been good to the people you care about and tried to be a good person, that's all that matters. Besides, I really doubt the world will end anytime soon. The weather might change a bit. Fine, it's doing that this year (In Kitchener, Ontario there's normally snow this time of year, not rain and moderately warm weather).

If you have any opinions/comments/hate speeches, please post them in the comment section. Should be back to the blog grind tomorrow. Not sure what the topic will be. So unless the world ends, I'll see everyone else (metaphorically, as a statistic) later.

Victor Bast

"Iran number one! End of World,

HACK TOOEY!!!"

Tis The Season (General Rambling)

Welcome to my first official blog on this blogsite! (I'm not going to count yesterday's generic introductory post as it was just that, an introductory post. That and it had no substance whatsoever so it doesn't count.) I'm pretty pumped up to type this out and I hope I didn't completely waste your time and hopefully you enjoy my little article. One note before I continue. I am prone to leaving side comments in all my blogs/articles and they're always in the brackets. If you just want the context, please skip the bracketed parts. If you want the full out journey into my head, read everything. Now that I'm all rested up, let's get this literary show on the road!

So today I managed to finish up my Christmas shopping. Went to Fairview Mall and hit up a bunch of stores looking for gifts. I won't say in detail exactly where I went because I don't want to spoil the day for my family if they read this. (probably won't since this is really only advertised on Twitter as of right now, a device no members of my family use... Well, maybe my little sister. I should really look into that one. Now that I'm thinking of it, it's probably best I don't. Last thing I want to do is interfere in my new to high school sisters personal life. Could be creepy. Or is it? Looks like I'm rambling, I'll move this along.) So I go into the store that specializes in female holding accessories to buy my one sister her present. The nice Jennifer Aniston Jr. looking girl helps me out, we talk for a bit and I get the gift and she wishes me a Merry Christmas. Awesome. Now to go to the store that most teenage boys go to buy games where they can pretend to be army rangers, or Sidney Crosby or whatever game they choose to buy. I was told to pick up a game involving certain characters from a company that rhymes with Wintendo beating each other up for my other sister (I have three sisters in case you're counting. All younger. Still have nightmares of the boy band revolution.). So I ask the guy at the counter and he's a bit of a jerk. Kind of like the comic book guy from the Simpsons, just skinnier. So once I get the "Worst...Question...Ever..." remark from this kid, I just leave to no response and try another store. I'll just tell you that it was Wal-Mart. They have everything. (Wal-Mart sidebar- Have you ever noticed in a Wal-Mart that it might be the single most depressing place on Earth? Always packed with people rushing around, most of the workers apparently have no personality, kids are always screaming, it smells funny and the lines are retardedly long most of the time? That smiley face rollback dude is false advertising!) So I go to the electronic section and the one person with a personality helps me get another game since the game I was told to get doesn't exist. After some witty banter, he wishes me Happy Holidays and I'm on my way to get my 2 year old niece a present. I'll tell you what it is since she can't read. Apparently she wanted a DVD about Tinkerbell or something to do with princesses. So I go to HMV to find one of these DVD's and after I basically make the guy that cut in my place in the line look like a doofus (I'm a bit of a jerk when people are being jerks first), I talk to the nice girl that looks like she endeavours in photography about the movie and no dice. Some more witty banter and we exchange "Merry Christmas'". So I end up back at Wal-Mart in the entertainment section (because malls make me lose my ability to think straight) and instead of the dude with a personality, there's an old lady that has the personality of an empty Big Mac container. So there was no witty banter with the lady that switched bodies with a cardboard container but I did get a "Happy Holidays" from her so I was happy. So shopping was done and I got out of there as fast as possible.

I noticed a few things from being at the mall today during the holiday season. One is that there are a lot of miserable people this time of year. I can understand the frustration of employees during this time of year because as someone that has worked in a grocery store for eleven years, you kind of get mad at all the chaos this time of year brings. I guess all the chaos of all the events these people have to go to involving work parties, family parties, cooking meals, preparing the holidays for the kids etc... can be very stressful. On the flipside of that, I did notice a lot of people were very cheerful with their only frustration being that the ground is mostly green around here this year. It's refreshing to see people actually looking forward to the traditional winter holiday season with cold and snow and all those gimmicks. Personally I like warm weather. I'll take a palm tree and sandy beaches over cold any day!

The main thing that I noticed was the variation of parting comments I got leaving all the stores. Some said "Merry Christmas" and some said "Happy Holidays". I really don't care which one I get. I spend time with my family on the 25th not because of a 2011 year old carpenter-turned-preacher. I do it because that's the time of the year where everything stops for a day and being with your family is all that matters. However on my way home I got to thinking about it. There are people that get offended by having someone say "Merry Christmas" to them? But wait, there are actually people that get offended when people say "Happy Holidays" to them?!?! How can that be?

I remember something my one sister posted on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. It went along the lines of saying "I don't care what you think, I'm saying Merry Christmas to people because that's what I celebrate" or something along those lines. Most people that celebrate Christmas agree with this statement. So for the people that do, I want you to think of this scenario. Let's say a week before Christmas you go to your favourite store. You decide after buying all the gifts and Christmas stuff you needed that with the leftover money you had you were going to buy yourself a nice present for yourself. You go to the checkout and the nice lady does her job. After you pay for it, she wishes you a festive Kwanzaa. What is the first thought in your head right now about what you would say to this woman? Here, let me take a stab in the dark at it. "Thank you but I don't celebrate Kwanzaa". Or maybe it's "What the hell is a Kwanzaa?" (Kwanzaa is a week long celebration held in the United States honoring universal African-American heritage and culture, observed from December 26 to January 1 each year. It features activities such as lighting a candle holder with seven candles^[1] and culminates in a feast and gift giving. It was created by Maulana Karenga and was first celebrated in 1966–1967... Yes, I did just take that from Wikipedia!). Then a few hours later you go to the grocery store to buy a turkey, potatoes, stuffing and all that filling Christmas food. You go to the nice cashier lady, pay for your items and guess what she says. "Have a festive Kwanzaa!". Well then, time to go explain that you don't celebrate Kwanzaa again, isn't it? You go home and turn on the TV to unwind from your busy day of shopping and being wished a festive Kwanzaa and you see a remake of the old Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer show. But wait, that's definately not your boy Rudolph. (Warning- This may offend some people. It is not meant to be offensive to anyone, just trying to get creative to prove a point shortly) Nope, this is LeSean the pumped up kicks reindeer. Yes, you read the screen right. It's the same story you all know and love but different. LeSean was not allowed to play with the other reindeer as his kicks weren't fresh enough. Okay, this really doesn't make sense. There not in the North Pole but there in the west end of Baltimore? Is Santa a Ravens fan now or something? Nope because Santa isn't in this film. It's Dashiki Claus. He still gives gifts and all but he looks like a bigger version of Martin Lawrence in a Dashiki. This really sounds like a bad SNL skit but unfortunately, it's not. Okay, there's still a snowstorm but instead of not being able to see, the reindeers kicks don't have good grip on them. Dashiki Claus calls out the reindeer. You know this, right? On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and such. Here it comes... On Tayshaun, On Kobe, On Terrell, On Julius... On Jerell, On Shelton, On Jamarcus, On Lucius?!?! What the...? You just turn off the TV and wonder "why are they shoving this holiday down my throat? Not everybody celebrates it, why the hell is it everywhere?". Your little child/nephew/niece/brother/sister/random kid comes up to you and asks "What kind of candle are we lighting for Kwanzaa? All the other kids at school are lighting Kwanzaa candles?". How hard must it be to convince a child that you do none of these things all their little friends/TV personalities do at this time of year?

I'm assuming this is how people of other beliefs and faiths think at times during Christmas. I could be way off base on this one (and if I am, please comment and let me know). However, think about the examples I gave. Sure, being wished a Merry Christmas by a smiling person who means well isn't that bad. Having Christmas virtually marketed in every medium of entertainment, every shop, every lit up house, as the major topic of discussion everywhere and having young people asking about when Santa Claus is coming when you don't celebrate with the invisible magical fat man who sneaks into their houses and gives the kids toys (Now that I'm thinking about it, Santa should be on Americas Most Wanted. Creepy dude) must be hard for any family that doesn't practice the "traditional" Western society beliefs. I can understand why we should say "Happy Holidays" as it applies to everyone. Saying "Merry Christmas" to people just because it is what you celebrate is sort of an ignorant move if you think about it. "I celebrate this so I'm wishing you it. If you don't like it, screw you!" is basically what you're saying if you say Merry Christmas out of some bizarre pride you have for your beliefs. It's one thing to say it out of practice, it's another to do it because you don't want to change the way you've always done things.

Phew, that's quite a bit of typing for one night! Please feel free to comment, I will reply to them like I do everything else. I should be posting another blog tomorrow, might be something a bit more sporty next time around.

Stay frosty and have a Happy Holiday!

Victor Bast

 

The One and Only, Dashiki Claus

Welcome to the Edutainment!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to the inaugural post of the Palace of Edutainment! I am your host, Victor Bast. I would give you an introduction but that would ruin the fun of having you get to know me through these blogs and the work I will be doing in the Kitchener/Waterloo area as part of a little project I am currently developing. More on that later.
Right now, I have four different topics for this site at the moment. The sections are pretty straight forward but since I have to kill time and actually make this worthwhile for you to read, might as well break them down for you.

One of these topics is called #supportlocal. This is just the preliminary name for the project as I have been whoring (Victor Dictionary- Whoring, verb- The act of promoting a person(s), goods, services or businesses shamelessly. I am a pimp for great places, music and people, not for sex. There are guys in colorful jackets and funny looking hats that covered that market.) local businesses, restaurants and anything locally in Kitchener/Waterloo that catches my attention via Twitter using the hashtag device. Basically I am working on a way to publically get the word out to everyone about what these local people/places/things have to offer people and why it's far better than the mainstream stuff that is shoved down everyones throats at nausea. I also want to bring awareness to this area as there is lots of great things people from out of town would never think to go check out. Right now I'm only in the preliminary stages of this project so there won't be too much information available in this section right now.

The other topics are mostly recreational items. The most recreational is the Random Adventures section. Basically if I go out either alone or with friends (or random people off the street, whoever is around) and have a story that I feel I need to tell people, it will be on here. Don't worry, I will only put down items that are entertaining. Maybe even personally humiliating. Who knows? You'll have to tune in and find out!

The Sports topic is pretty straight forward, it's me talking about things in the sports world. I'm not going to just do a breakdown of a game or story (well, maybe a little. It would be a pretty horrible column if there was no information to back up my theories). Mostly opinions about things and why I think the way I do. I'll probably also end up ranting about my Fantasy teams. If you're into that kind of thing, read away. If not, maybe still check it out and have a sample. You might end up liking it! I'll mostly talk about Hockey, Baseball, Football, Basketball, Wrestling (The professional acting kind, not the dudes rolling around in Kama Sutra positions. Now to contradict myself in 3...2...1...) and MMA. There might be the odd Golf, College sports or Racing column but if you're expecting Cricket, Figure Skating or Curling from me, not happening. If there ever becomes a demand or someone I know wants to write about it, I'll do it. As of right now it's a solo mission on here. Sorry Water Polo fans.

The last topic is just a general section which might be broken into multiple sections later on but as of right now, it's basically everything else. It's in the Opinions section. Random thoughts, TV/Movie reviews, music, news items, a 1500 diatribe about a cat being stuck in a tree and how it reflects on our life as human beings in the 21st Century. Whatever pops up that I feel like writing about.

So that's all I can think of for now. I hope to do some interviews with both known people in the community and outside so I can put them on here. I'm also going to be interviewing random people at times and putting it on here. There might even be some video interviews and maybe even just me being an idiot with my camera popping up in the near future. Make sure to follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/_victor_says to get the full dose of what this blog will bring to people. Stay tuned, lots of things coming on this blog. By the time this is all said and done, you will be properly edutained!


Victor Bast