Yep, I'm just as shocked as you are Kevin
that this movie even exists!
So French Stewart is the first name in the credits... This should be interesting. All the cast you knew and loved have been changed with look-a-likes. You know what that means... No Mackauley Culkin. Apparently fake Macauley Culkin (aka- Kevin Macallister) misses his dad. His dad and his mom split up. Kevins mom is trying to explain to him why they broke up. They were in a rut apparently. I think that means he wasn't good at satisfying her needs. Well, Kevins brother can't go to the movies so he picks on him. But before Kevin gets beaten with wedgies and purple nurples, in comes his savior... His father! Yep, daddy came home but only to talk in private to mother. If this ends up being like one of those Cialis commercials where the dad turns up the kids stereo, I'm out. Well not all is well in Macallister land. Papi Macallister is going to remarry once the divorce is final. Not only that but he wants to take the kids for Christmas! Gee buddy, you sure are the charming one. "Hey baby, once the paperwork is finalized, I'm going to marry the cocktail waitress I was cheating on you with AND I want to steal your kids away from you during Christmas!!!". Shockingly, Mommy Macallister says if it's cool with the kids, she's down like a clown watching Charlie Brown. So Papi tries to talk the kids into it. Kevs sister says no because she wants to chill with her friends and "stay in the loop". If your dad owns a computer, you can still use the internet kid. Kevs brother doesn't want to give up his vacation. Kev's turn. Papi tries to bribe him by saying there's a royal family waiting at his place and he can play with a crown prince. Don't know about you but that's pretty creepy. As long as it's not the prince of pop, he should be good. Then again, the original Kevin Macallister was known for playing with the prince of pop in Neverland. Kev seems tempted then drops this line "I'm going to have to pass, I don't want to leave the family during Christmas. I know you understand". Hahahaha, you just got burned by an eight year old papi! Well mommy Macallister is going to the movies after a cut to her saying "I'm going to the movies" (I guess the dad just vanished or something) and she expects the two boys to get some chores done. Older broski says they'll get done. So we get a fun montage of Kev being forced to do the chores while his brother makes it difficult. That'll teach you for being a kid, Kevin!
The Last Home Alone kid left
alone with a prince
Anyways, his mom comes back and sees Kevin on the stairs sad. Kev hates his siblings and wishes he was an only child. He's now in his room having a therapy session about it to his stuffed bear. Through his therapy with the bear, he realizes he can stay with his papi so he snatches some coins out of the piggy bank and... cut to Papi Macallister leaving a limo with what I'm guessing is his new squeeze. They raised money for an orphanage or something so they start to make out. But wait, someone is watching them! Is it his son, Kevin? Nope it's French Stewart and his lady friend who's eating cheetos or something. Leave it to a movie that features French Stewart to make his first scene watching a silhouette of people making out in a window with binoculars! The dude already looks tweaked, no need to make him a pervert! French isn't down with robbery anymore, as apparently Joe Pesci got him in trouble too many times and they split up. Instead, French is into kidnapping princes! Wait, what?!?! Yeah, robbery is too risky, I'm going to try kidnapping royalty? This guy is a flipping moron... even for French Stewart! Well, his Jersey girlfriend agrees with him and likes the idea.
French Stewart could be watching you as
we speak!
We get a scene of Kev going to his dads in a cab in some sort of mini varsity jacket. He gives the cabbie his piggy bank and tells him to keep the change. Wow, every cabbie I've ever met would shank you if you give them all change! Kev rings the doorbell and wakes up the security guard, who looks like the bad guy in one of those Mummy movies with Brendan Fraser. (Sidenote, I think I have to review Encino Man at some point!) So while papi Macallister is putting the moves on the cocktail waitress, the butler interrupts papis progress. They make their introductions while we meet the maid (Who looks like the mom from That 70's Show) and find out the butlers name is Prescott. Prescott has to give Kevin a key to the house. He's not a happy panda about that decision. The cocktail waitress tells Kevin it's a smart house and he just needs to tell things what to do, like "Door open" and the door will open. "Fireplace off" turns off the fireplace and so forth. Kev goes to his special room and it's an electronic paradise for a youngin.
I assure you that even though Prescott is
potentially evil, he is not affiliated with
Al-Qaida.
Meanwhile, back at the casa del Macallister, Kevins mom is looking for her son. Phone rings and it's papi Macallister calling to say he arrived fine. She's shocked but is glad her kids safe. Cut to 7am in Kevins room at the coctail waitresses house and everything opens up and a voice starts talking to him. He wakes up and there is a James Bond like wall TV communication like device with all the screens having the maid ask him what he wants for breakfast. That's kind of creepy, she could have been staring at him while he was asleep! Bad form That 70's maid! What does Kevin get for breakfast? I think french toast with Nutella, not sure. Kevin gets to open a present and it's a remote airplane. Gee, wonder what he's going to use that for? Well, papi and cocktail waitress are leaving for some reason and if he needs anything, ask Prescott, who still looks pissed off. So Kev decides to talk to Prescott. He asks if he can make a milkshake? Prescott gives a grin that kind of looks like he's happy, kind of looks like he's going to decapitate Kevin. Not really sure. While Prescott is making the milkshake, they have some small talk about the mini freight elevator and Prescott is kind of a dick. Kevin then wanders off into the open area security umm... area and sees all the security monitors. Prescott catches him and asks if he can read the sign that says "No Entry". Ummm, you're the dumbass with the open area security room! Don't blame the kid for the single worse architectural place for a security room. Apparently Prescott is the alpha male of the open area security room. Way to scare the kid jerk! Kev goes and bugs That 70's maid and asks what she's doing. Cleaning, stupid. It's not like any house though, all you have to do is say "Vacuum" and the house will vacuum itself! Gee, I bet she gets paid in wafer cookies. Not even Chocolate wafer cookies. Like half eaten prune wafer cookies.
a self cleaning house
So we then cut to Kevin doing his dancing around singing to James Brown montage where he's doing kid stuff. He manages to hit Prescott in the head with a plane, it was kind of funny because Prescott is a dick. That 70's maid is off to the grocery store since the house can't do groceries. Shocking, I know! So while That 70's maid is off to the store, peeper French Stewart and his Jersey girlfriend watch her leave. Jersey girl asks French what's the dealio and French says to go in the house. Jersey girl asks if that's a good idea since the Prince doesn't come until tomorrow. French Stewart then goes on a French Stewart tirade that really makes no sense. All I know is that the Jersey girl thinks not getting caught is the best course of action to a robbery and French thinks it's planning. They kiss and go to break and enter. Kev is just coincedentally playing with a telescope when he sees the baddies he's met before trying to break in. Kevin tries to call Prescott but Prescott is being a dick and not answering. Back to the baddies and Jersey girl notices the alarm is on. So what does French Stewart do? If you guessed Tai-Chi, you're wrong. He spazzed out like French Stewart. Apparently French knows about the house and it's voice command everything. Even the alarm is voice activated! Yes, the cocktail waitress has the single worst home security system ever in this house of tomorrow. Somebody at Brinks is going to get fired over this. So the happy couple are rummaging through the house and French tries to open the door. Kevin closes the door to no laughter. The couple go to the washroom in the bedroom and get assaulted by the shower of DOOM!!! Slipping ensues and they fall into the giant hot tub. I hope the house can self squeegee itself. Kev then decides to lock the door, trying to kill his enemies. Instead, the door breaks and they wacky raft down the steps. Kev is screaming for Prescott but no Prescott. French sees Kevin and promises he'll be back while introducing Jersey girl. Apparently her name is Mira. Well French and Mira take off and Kev tries to activate the house to clean itself up. No dice Kevin.
"Bleeaaaaaaghhhh! There's no way we're
going to get wet in here! No siree!"
Meanwhile, Cocktail waitress comes home and is about to go into beast mode after seeing her house partially flooded. Uh oh, papi's home. Kev is trying to explain himself and Prescott magically shows up. Cocktail waitress asks Prescott about the burglars and he says he knows nothing. This guy is the worst security guy ever! Kev and Prescott do the "you're wrong!" schtick until Papi decides to talk to his boy. Is it clobbering time for little Kev? Nope. Cocktail waitress forgives Kev and he takes the no punishment quite well. Cut to Kev snooping around in the open area security room. He finds out that all the cameras that showed the burglars were cut out. What a twist!
Off to the burglarmobile where French is complaining about Kevin and how he's everywhere he tries to commit a crime. French hints at Prescott being his boy while they swerve around in the burglarmobile. Speaking of the Prescott, he finds Kevin in his "security office". That 70's maid shows up during the threatening of the child and takes Kevin for a walk around the house. Kevin tells That 70's maid about the burglars and how Kevin thinks Prescott works for the burglars. Wow, way to go Sherlock! That 70's maid doesn't believe him but likes his imagination. Apparently her son had an imagination before too! How about that?
"My son used to have an imagination too...
and friends that eventually became more
successful than him!"
Cut to Papi trying to get with the cocktail waitress again and his pick up line is...? How Chrismas is about decorating things yourself! Worst line ever Papi. So since Papi is as smooth as a porcupine, he goes to talk to his son about... wait for it... decorating for Christmas! This guy really has a boner for decorating. So does this movie because the next scene shows a decorating montage with the cocktail waitress wearing a Santa hat. Well the montage gets interrupted by a phone call and the cocktail waitress has to do cocktail waitress things. So while Papi has time with his kid, Kevin goes and asks his dad if he left his mom because he was in a rut. Papi tries to explain the complexities in relationships and Kevin knows about mid life crises and sports cars! Don't kids watch TV and not read psyche books for 40 year old guys? So he explains a sports car is useless if you're alone. This really goes nowhere right now. Back to the moms place where the other two Macallisters talk about their little broski.
Now we're back to the dad's place and it's apparently the best tree ever! Now back to the mom's place... Okay time out here! Movie, I know you're already made but enough with the sudden cut scenes! It's getting hard to keep up with this review. Anyways, Mommy Macallister is watching some old home videos of her family. And cut back to dads place where Papi and Kevin wake up and that tree they decorated. Yeah, it's redecorated different. Kev's a bit upset but he gets another present so he's cool.
"Ummm, why did you put an
evil octopus on the tree not-quite-
mommy?"
Back to Mommy Macallisters where his mom is about to deliver Kevin some goodies while his siblings wonder why. This movie is getting a bit sloppy. The siblings tag along and they all get greeted by the immortal Prescott. He lets them in and they're all happy to see each other. We get an awkward ex meets new girl handshake and some awkward ex talks to new girl that's trying to bogart her family banter. The bear has returned!!! Cocktail waitress wants to replace the bear but that's ixnayed because there's a story about Dr. Bear that involves him getting chucked out of the car. We see a bit of a spark between Mommy Macallister and Papi and...
Cut to cocktail waitress and Papi leaving. So Kev's alone with That 70's Maid and Evil Prescott. Kev is looking at all the servants and fancy doohickeys and who is helping serve at this party? Mira and French Stewart! Also, French Stewart is wearing a tuque with a waiter suit on. Tres Chic Francais Stewart! Prescott just grabs the kid out of the room but Kev escapes in the kitchen. Here comes some shenanigans! Well, Prescott just gets locked in a pantry. That was anti-climactic. Kevin is looking around for the others but That 70's maid shows up looking for... Prescott. Well, the door is ringing so she has to get it since she is, in fact, the maid.
The key to a healthy family
is apparently a teddy bear
Cut to Papi and the cocktail waitress in a car and miss waitress wants to announce their engagement at the Christmas party because someone isn't showing up or some crap like that. Papi agrees because, well, he just does. Back to the shenanigans, Kevin is hunting the baddies. Mira and French spaz out about how to tie up the Prince with a rope and a bag. But wait, Kev is using his new present, a spy kit, to hear everything. For some reason, Mira goes in the bag and French is roping her out the window... Not sure why but anyways the rope anchor is outside the door. Cue Kevin... "Door Open". Rope goes flying with the anchor flying spike first into some French sphincter (Not a French guys sphincter, French Stewarts sphincter) and he gets slammed into the window. Great plan Frenchie. Well the window breaks and they both fall. Somehow, French and Mira are turned on by that. Then French and Kev banter a bit and French passes out.
Well, Papi and the cocktail waitress come back. There's a bunch of people inside and we cut to Kevin hitting French with a frying pan and French and Mira get sauced. Cut to the engagement announcement then cut to French burning his ass on a stove then Prescott falls into the crowd of people somehow. French Stewart is on fire and runs around and the party is ruined. For some reason, Kevin is in trouble for all of this. My head hurts. Papi thinks Kevin is trying to ambush his new relationship. Kevs punishment... Think about what you did and apologize. What a leniant parent! If that was me as a kid, I'd be getting the belt! What happened to parents these days? I blame Sesame Street.
True Fact- Mustard tastes far better in
your mouth, not your head
Back at Casa Del Macallister, Mommy Macallister is watching the Three Stooges or some crap and she gets a call from Kevin. Apparently it was It's A Wonderful Life. The mom is really upset and Kev, despite his Sherlock Holmes deduction powers and advanced street smarts, can't even pick up the fact his mom is crying her eyes out. She blames the movie. They exchange Mom to kid pleasantries and hang up. She cries some more.
Now Kevin is in bed. Enter: The Cocktail Waitress who pulls the biggest nice to psycho turn of all time threatening Kevin to never do any stunts like that again. Psycho waitress goes and sees Papi who's watching... You guessed it, It's a Wonderful Life! He asks if she wants to watch and she gives a bitchy answer for No. Papi says it's a family tradition but she has another tradition... Hinting at love making! Meanwhile, Kevin goes into ninja mode and prepares all his traps.
Along with the bear, this is another
crucial part to any relationship!
Morning comes and it's Christmas! Papi is leaving his kid on Christmas morning? What a jerk! He explains it and they leave. My watch says what time it is... it's time for SHENANIGANS!!! Cut to the burglarmobile where the sleeping baddies get awoken by a call to invade the house. Kevin is in position by his telescope and spots them. He then decides to take out Prescott first. He goes to... well then, there actually is a door for the security room?!?! No way! It's been open concept the entire time and now there's a door? That's some messed up shkeef right there! Anyways, Kevin tricks Prescott to go to the wine cellar... and locks him in the cellar! That 70's Maid shows up and Kev tells her his plan and that Prescott really is the bad guy.
Wrong Kev! It wasn't Prescott at all boyo! It was That 70's maid pulling the swerve job! Also, she's French Stewarts mom. Now they're both locked in the wine cellar. Prescott gives Kevin his cell phone and he calls his brother about the situation. His brother hangs up on him because... well, he's a dick. So Kev talks to Prescott and the reason why the camera was cut... Prescott was taking a break. What a slacker. Well, Kevin decides to call his mom again and it works... kind of. The cell phone dies. So Mommy Macallister calls the house again and gets mommy French. Mommy French says Kevin isn't home and Mommy Macallister calls her bluff by saying he just called. Oh snap! Well, Mommy French talks Kevs mommy away. Cut to Mommy Macallister calling Papi to talk to her kid. Kid ain't with Papi sunshine. The maid said she was with you! Nope, back at the house. I think it's mama clobbering time! Papi wants to do some clobbering time but gets talked out of it by the Psycho waitress. Whipped much buddy?
Back to the dungeon of drunkeness and Prescott remembers the mini freight elevator! They start to giggle about something, I was too busy typing and too lazy to go back. I think Prescott is going to quit his job after this. Kevin is freighting around while French and Mira are talking. Mira leaves and Kevin says he's in the elevator. French takes a look in the elevator shaft and well... gets his head stuck in the elevator shaft by that dastardly roadrunne...ummm.... Kevin Macallister. Mira tries to rescue him but doesn't know the difference between up and down. Once thats figured out, Kevin uses his pain can trap that's in every movie and knocks them both out. Momma French comes in and sees her kid and kids girl knocked out so it's Momma French clobbering time! She tries to go up the elevator but Kev rigged it to get stuck.
Cut to Papi and Papi uses his Jedi powers to sense his kid is in danger. Papi Ho!!! Prescott climbs up the mini freight shaft and Momma Macallister plus siblings are booking it through the suburbs in the Ford Winstar to save their son/brother! Meanwhile, in the Dungeon of Doom... errr, house of tomorrow, French finds Momma French stuck in the elevator shaft. She says Kevin is in the bedroom. I bet he's playing Little Big Planet. Go Sackboy! French goes in the bedroom and finds feet sticking out from the bed. Nope, it's a trap to make the bed fall on him. Kevin switches the voice activating dealies. Enter Mira to save the day! She asks if French is in there. Kev is using his patented "screw with electronics to fool people" gig. This time it's a recording of French Stewarts lines from the movie that insult Mira. She walks in and slaps French. French is wondering what's going on and Mira flips out and leaves. French goes to talk to his mom and gets a plane in the junk for his troubles, falls on Mira and they go down the stairs. Kev goes down the stairs and uses the revolving Bookshelf/Bar to go to the otherside of the wall with the password "Open Sesame". French tries a bunch of failed phrases while spazzing out then Mira gets it right. Well, Kev just revolves to the house side then makes the double sided shelf/bar rotate around and around. The Hijinx!!! Kevin then decides to torture them with "Faster Sesame". He says stop and French and Mira go flying into a 30 foot high chandelier. Somehow, French gets up... only to get plunked by his fallen girlfriend. Now they look dead. Kevin decides to try a witty phrase but Frenchs mom shows up and looks like she's about to snap his neck! That's insane! Luckily, the always-has-been-reformed Prescott shows up and beans her upside the head with a silver tray. Prescott thinks it's a good idea to call the police. Well no shit sherlock.
The entire family arrives at the same time sans psycho waitress and they see the baddies. Time to split French and Mira! So we get a chase scene that ends with Kevins brother and sister tripping French and Mira where they somehow trip upwards and forwards about twenty feet. Very gravity defying manoevers French. Meanwhile, Psycho waitress is talking to the prince of Disney channel (the prince looks like that kid from the Disney channel. Don't know his name. Kids got blonde hair, you tell me. Actually, I don't care). They arrive to the burgled house and psycho waitress is hella mad. Her maid has been arrested and Prescott just quit. Prescott out suckas! He says life is too short and fist bumps Kevin. Woo Woo Woo, Burglars Know It! Psycho waitress asks Papi to do something. So he does. He dumps her ass and goes back to his family! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!! The Royal family of Disney gets invited to the Macallister residence for Christmas and psycho cries her eyes out as she now has nothing. This is the best Christmas ever apparently!
So that's the movie. Overall, it wasn't bad by any stretch. It was generic Home Alone. Kid feels alone, kid goes somewhere else, kid becomes alone, baddies come after him, kid outsmarts baddies with cunning traps, kid meets scary person who is actually good, kid ends up with his family, the end. I had no idea who most of this cast was (as you probably noticed) so I'm going to break it down and see if I know any of them using the magic of imdb.com
Before I look for the cast, this movie got a 2.1/10 rating on imdb.com. Ouch. Personally don't think it was that bad. Maybe a four. Two is harsh. Anyways, the cast...
French Stewart was Marv? That makes sense. I know who he is (3rd Rock from the Sun)
Erick Avari was Prescott... and the guy in the Mummy! Got that one right!
Barbara Babcock was Mrs. French Stewart... She was in Space Cowboys apparently as well as mostly cameo appearances.
Jason Beghe was Papi Macallister. His feature roles were Thelma and Louise and G.I.Jane. No wonder I never heard of him.
Clare Carey was Mommy Macallister. She was in Smokin' Aces
Joanna Going was Psycho waitress, Her name in the movie was apparently Natalie. Good for her. She was in Wyatt Earp back in 1994.
Missi Pyle was Vera?!?! I thought her name was Mira? Whatever. She was in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Big Fish and Dodgeball.
The main character of this movie, Mike Weinberg aka- Kevin Macallister is NINE PEOPLE DOWN on the filmography! That's hilarious. He was in a bunch of crap nobody has ever heard of ever.
Bonus lookup- The Director of this movie is Rod Daniel. He was the driector of WKRP in Cincinnati and Teen Wolf. Wow, this guy fell off the face of the earth!
So there you have it kids, a nice holiday tale that you can now not waste your time watching... unless I have intrigued you and you now want to watch it!
On that note, I'm out for a couple days. Have a great holiday and stay frosty!
Victor Bast
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